Пример. Эссе в бизнес школу: Wharton

Describe how your experiences, both professional and personal, have led to your decision to pursue an MBA at the Wharton School this year. How does this decision relate to your career goals for the future? (1,000 words)

Born 28 years ago in a remote small village in Peru, I was lucky enough to have the opportunity to get formal education and see the diverse cultures of Peru, unlike other unlucky children, since my father was an employee with a highly transferable job. For almost all my life, I stayed in suburban areas, because of which I had to suffer the social ills as sexual and discrimination..

With the help of my exposure to the vast and diverse cultures of Peru I could understand the problems of not only other girls like I was but also the families like mine, irrespective of their ethnicity. Without wasting any time after my graduation, I started the NGO by the name of "Societal Action Team,” as in the rural areas of Lima, the condition of these people was worst.

I co-founded the NGO with an elderly locale Mr. Alberto Balcazar. This not only helped me to give my NGO the local touch, but also the views of Mr. Balcazar, who is very old compared to me, helped me evaluate mine. Mr. Balcazar was a great help to me, for his local reputation and his rapport with the MLA of the area was unquestionable. But the NGO could not be run only with the influence of Mr. Balcazar and my zero experience as the orthodox families of the area didn't look at the NGO with any respect and collection of finance was thus, very difficult without the local help. Within a short duration after starting the NGO, we were close to bankruptcy. Without any experience I did not know what to do to help the NGO survive, but nor could I just see it die, and miss the chance to help out other people like I.

I had no other option but to stay out for sometime and take up a job to learn more about dealing with finances. It was not easy for me to get a decent job without prior work experience, where I could learn about finances, in Lima. This is where my diverse experience of different cultures paid off. I found a job in uno, miles away from Lima, but I knew I could manage to deal with the people there easily as I could understand the local dialect and the psychology of the people of Puno.

I had no prior work experience, thanks to my grades in graduation, I got my first job as Finance Executive in Technology Enterprises, reporting directly to the Executive Director.

Though I was basically in Finance, but I did not miss any opportunity to learn about the other organizational basics. I knew that when I go back, I will not only have to deal with the financial aspects of the NGO but also the other problems which can put the very existence of the NGO at stake. While learning about other aspects of the organization, beside finance, I made sure not to let it affect my performance at my workplace. I worked at Technology Enterprises for two years, and analyzed and realized the importance of general management and finance management in which I lacked earlier, and was responsible for my failure to run the NGO successfully with the head start I had in mind.

Because of my rich experience about the diverse cultures of Peru, and my down-to-earth attitude, the Executive Director often sought my help to organize the workforce in the concern, which in turn helped me no less than it did to Technology Enterprises. Within the first year, I was promoted as the Finance Manager for Techno Commercial. After becoming the Finance Manager, I had a tougher job, with bigger responsibilities on my shoulders, which only added to my enthusiasm and helped me learn more. After becoming the Finance Manager, I got an opportunity to work out my ideas that I had held for a long time. I was always welcomed by The Executive Director to introduce even those ideas, which could affect the concern beyond my purview. After getting a go from the Executive Director, I decided to implement a technique, which was once revolutionary in Japan, though it had adverse affects later on, I found it beneficial on small scale. I advised the Executive Director to employ more of the general labors, than the specialized ones, but in proper limit. Now not only we could hire labors, and offered them lower salaries, compared to the previous skilled ones, we also managed to cut the time in implementation of works, as the communication problem was eliminated as most of the general labors found it very easy to communicate with each other, rather than wasting time in trying to understand the intricacies of the specialized workers.

Within two years I realized I had enough experience to realize my dreams, and decided to come back to Lima to work for my NGO. When I came back to Lima, I found my NGO, in the same condition as I had left it two years back. After consulting with Mr. Balcazar, I immediately started working on it, and got a loan granted by the local MLA to kick-start the NGO once again. With the funds I got, I organized a camp for sex education in the area. With proper advertisements and local support, thanks to Mr. Balcazar, I managed to make the camp a success. But I knew, that only sex education and blood donation camps could not do all that I desired. I started employing the local youth, to start regular classes for adult education. This served me two purposes, Firstly: I could educate the adults, which was more than making them literate; secondly: I could help those adults think broadly toward their girl children, who were suffering badly, because of sexual discrimination. The NGO is still running, though unlike the way it had started, I have decided to study more about organizational behavior and general management to realize my dreams of societal upliftment.

I feel that in the last 2 years I have reached the plateau of my personal and professional developments. I hope that with the diverse student body and excellent faculty at Wharton I will be able exploit my talent in proper direction.

The Wharton School with its diverse body and multitude of courses, will help me not only to run my NGO better but also to understand the corporate world on a higher level. I also believe that introducing my unique experience in rural areas would be of great help to my colleagues, especially in helping them understand the intricacies of development at ground levels, at Wharton School.

With the unique approach toward General Management and emphasis on diversity, Wharton School suits my personality and aspirations perfectly which in turn help me grow further to learn more to blend and use mine and my colleagues' other personality traits.

Comments:

Massiela has a lot of great content that she could work with in this essay. As it stands, however, there is a tremendous amount of work that needs to be done before the essay reaches its potential.

Content that really should be better emphasized includes:

•	Information on the NGO. We have little to no information on the exact purpose of the NGO, its market /audience or reflection from the applicant on why she started it. Each of these pieces would be powerful statements to the admissions committee.
•	Speaking of NGO, there is some use of acronyms without explanation that make the essay confusing. Make sure to initially define your acronyms.
•	Some data / metrics on how the applicant improved the organization. Don’t forget, the admissions committee always wants to see results, and any way in which you can point to hard numbers will help.
•	The applicant’s ability to interact with multiple cultures. It is hinted at, but should be stated more explicitly.
•	How the applicant is “business savvy.”
•	How Wharton fits into the picture and to what extent it can really help the applicant meet her career goals. Wharton is given a very small section at the end, and virtually any school could be put in instead of Wharton and the essay would read the same. There should be much more research done around Wharton and more space dedicated to how Wharton is the “perfect” fit.

The essay doesn’t flow very well, making it hard for a reader to see where it’s going next. Headers would be helpful and the applicant should probably create a simple framework to begin with so the essay doesn’t ramble on as it currently does.

The essay also breaks the word limit by a significant amount. A good rule of thumb is to never go over by more than 10% of the word limit. Even thought you will feel positive that you have more to say than the word limit allows, remember that making an admissions officer keep reading will only serve to annoy her as an annoyance.

Overall, this essay needs a lot of work and the applicant would probably benefit a great deal from reviewing the essays of successful applicants.

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